Election Coverage

DirecTV had this nifty little thing during the election. It was a channel that had about 10 different networks on at the same time, enabling you to highlight one network and hear the audio while keeping a visual eye on the others in case they broke with news that the other network didn’t seem to be carrying.
Because of this, I got a chance to seamlessly switch from one network to another without really switching channels. Admittedly, I did end up going to those channels as the small picture within a picture feature made it hard to see anything, particularly when results came in.
Here’s a rundown of the different networks and their “unique” coverage.

Fox News-Brit Hume is an annoying fuck. I know, so is everyone on Fox News, but for some reason they put this mush mouth on like he’s some fucking vital news relic. Aside from his mumbling, Hume is more annoying when he’s waxing poetic on shit that he really hasn’t thought all the way through. Hume brilliantly observed that the reason Obama won is that he effectively sold the “idea of Barack Obama” rather than his ability to sell any real ideas. Then there’s Juan Williams, an occasional NPR journalist that I had respect for until I noticed that he also shells for Fox News. With such a decision, he’s compromised everything that I ever trusted in him. He’s proven a good journalist, but the moment he starts acting like a pundit is the moment he starts looking stupid. Example: Williams gave a resounding “meh” after Obama’s nomination speech while everyone else with a pulse seemed to agree that it, like Obama’s acceptance speech last night, was very eventful. For a dude that’s covered many elections, could Mr. Williams name a candidate’s speech that he declared “eventful?” Methinks that Juan is another pawn for Murdoch’s conservative machine and it really came to fruition during this campaign. By the end of the night, it didn’t matter who was talking as everyone at Fox News looked like someone had just killed their family pet.
CNN-And the award for most embarrassing coverage goes to CNN. Motherfuckers had holograms. Let me repeat: they had HOLOGRAMS. When they weren’t providing viewers with visual novelties, they had expert panels. The panel members each had “CNN” laptops and they would all talk over each other. After getting a headache trying to decipher one goddamn point they were trying to make and getting freaked out by holograms, I switched to another network.
BBC-“Finally!” I thought. “Some legitimate coverage by stuffy English reporters with their pretentious accents.” But no. The piece I saw featured a classy blonde talking to two bloggers in the studio, one representing each party affiliation. The host would ask the bloggers something, and the bloggers would repeat some things that they saw other bloggers type on the internet. It’s nice to know that British media outlets are just as fucking stupid as American ones.
MSNBC-I didn’t stay here too long as I normally enjoy MSNBC’s blatant liberal bias. During the brief time I did watch, they just let the video footage roll. I needed mindless talking heads talking shit, and MSNBC just wasn’t giving it to me.
NBC-The old standby. I loves me some Tom Brokaw. I’m not a big fan of Brian Williams. Other than Williams throwing some utterly softball questions to Congressman John Lewis (“Who are some of the people you’re thinking of right now after this historic election. Specifically, who are some of the names?” I mean, fuck dude, just come right out and ask: “So Congressman, were you thinking about Martin Luther King Jr. when you witnessed this election?”) NBC filled the screen with an inordinate amount of visual clutter. When I considered grabbing some out-of-fashion glasses just so I could read it, I realized that it would be easier to stay on the couch and try another channel instead.
FOX/CBS (local)-Swear to God, the news anchors announced that they were about to join their sister station for “dual coverage.” They ran a little “Election 08” bumper and then joined the same two anchors. If it wasn’t the same two anchors, then CBS and Fox in Cedar Rapids have hired four people that look suspiciously alike.
NBC (local)-Ron Steele has been doing the same folksy anchor bullshit for so long now that it’s annoying. You would think the guy could do a little better at ad-libbing (see Tom Brokaw), but he’s such a wishy-washy fuck that seems so concerned at offending anyone that he actually is offending. The only time he looked excited is when he announced that his former co-worker, the weekend news anchor Tami Wiensek (she was the fat one) was actually winning her election bid (she eventually lost).
Through it all, I began to wonder if all of these media choices were really worth it. It seemed that there was less bullshit, clutter and novelty back in the day we only had three major networks. I suppose I could have drifted by C-SPAN…I have in the past…But whenever I do, the coverage is so dry that it becomes mundane. Besides, I didn’t have C-SPAN programmed into my remote, and figuring out how to program the thing would have meant that I could have missed potential holograms.