The 50th Annual Grammy Awards

I caught Grammy Fever!

Which means that I took a few Excederin, ironed a few clothes and watched The Wire instead of the Grammy Awards. Have the Grammys ever been able to top Charlie Rich lighting the envelope that held John Denver’s “Best Country Artist” win that year? I don’t think so. Those were the days when drunk badasses with nicknames like The Silver Fox got airtime. Now, the Grammys are so sedated that it looks as out of touch as the record companies it attempts to pander to.
Looky! Looky! We’re still relevant!
Not so much.
But even though the Grammy Awards have never been, how do we say, hip, there used to be this strong urge to watch the masturbation, only to be disappointed when bands like the Starland Vocal Band win the award for “Best New Artist” while my rock bands left empty-handed. By the time Christopher Cross won his award, I understood that the voting group consisted of 60 year-old white males who probably still considered guitar bands like The Beatles as “on the way out.”
Now it’s the major label formula of accounting practices that are “on the way out” which means that it was going to be looking forward to a segment that used to be the low-point of every Grammy Awards telecast: the message from the President/CEO of the Recording Academy. Neil Portnow’s remarks this year essentially served as the pre-requisite back patting on how they are preserving the heritage of the recording industry.
Portnow curiously sidestepped the entire “illegal” downloading debate, focusing instead on the enormous plague of artists not being compensated when their music is played on the radio.

“We advocate for the rights of our music community in Washington, D.C., and all
across the country. This year, we will fight to pass legislation to once and for
all ensure that, just like in every other developed country in the world, all
music creators are compensated for their performances when played on traditional
radio.”

I wasn’t aware that people listened to radio anymore, but more power to ya, Neil.

So the money shot turned out to be the awards. But the problem was that the big winner, Amy Winehouse, had to phone in her performance because we don’t let crackheads into our country. Just think of how awesome it would have been had they let her in and gave her a full bar to rehearse to.

Again, I totally vetoed the Grammys, but the internets told me who won what:

Record Of The Year
“Rehab”
Amy Winehouse

Well duh….

Album Of The Year
River: The Joni Letters
Herbie Hancock

Wow…I had no idea Herbie Hancock even released a record this year. Christ, I had no idea he’s released an album since Future Shock, the one with “Rockit” on it.

Song Of The Year
"Rehab"
Amy Winehouse

It probably should’ve gone to “Before He Cheats.” Seriously, stop by any karaoke night and you will see at least one version of this with an entire chorus of women around the bar singing along too.

Best New Artist
Amy Winehouse

You knew this one was coming. Fiest fans need not worry: the “Best New Artist” category is usually the “Kiss Of Death” category….

Best Female Pop Vocal Performance
”Rehab”
Amy Winehouse

Der...

Best Male Pop Vocal Performance
”What Goes Around...Comes Around”
Justin Timberlake

This shit was the jam….seriously.

Best Pop Performance By A Duo Or Group With Vocals
“(You Want To) Make A Memory”
Bon Jovi
Track from: Lost Highway

“Home”
Daughtry
Track from: My Penis In Your Daughter

“Makes Me Wonder”
Maroon 5
Track from: It Won't Be Soon Before Long

“Hey There Delilah”
Plain White T's
Track from: Every Second Counts

“Window In The Skies”
U2
Track from: U218 - Singles

I have never heard any of those songs. Maroon 5 won, if you give a shit...

Best Pop Collaboration With Vocals

”Gone Gone Gone (Done Moved On)”
Robert Plant & Alison Krauss

No shit, Shirlock….

Best Pop Vocal Album
Back To Black
Amy Winehouse

The correct pick….

Best Electronic/Dance Album
We Are The Night
The Chemical Brothers

Should’ve been Sound of Silver…..

Best Solo Rock Vocal Performance
“Radio Nowhere”
Bruce Springsteen
Track from: Magic

I would’ve picked Paul McCartney on this one….lots more challenging that Springsteen’s.

Best Rock Performance By A Duo Or Group With Vocals
”Icky Thump”
The White Stripes
Track from: Icky Thump

If you would’ve seen the other nominees, you would have thanked the academy for choosing the Stripes here….

Best Hard Rock Performance
”The Pretender”
Foo Fighters

I stopped giving a shit about these guys well over a decade ago, around the same time when I started to figure out that every fucking Foo Fighters song sounds just like the last one. Note to Dave Grohl: you can leave now. Should’ve gone to Queens Of The Stone Age.

Best Metal Performance
”Final Six”
Slayer
Track from: Christ Illusion

I was secretly hoping that King Diamond would have won this one….

Best Rock Instrumental Performance
”Once Upon A Time In The West”
Bruce Springsteen
Track from: We All Love Ennio Morricone

This was about as retarded as Jethro Tull winning the “Best Metal” record. The category is typically used for metal/hard rock acts that throw down a shredding instrumental. Steve Vai and Joe Satriani are common nominees. But this year, Rush’s “Malignant Narcissism” was the clear winner….And they gave it to Springsteen.
Best Rock Song
”Radio Nowhere”
Bruce Springsteen
Track from: Magic

A safe choice here. The White Stripes’ “Icky Thump” should have won because it ruled.

Best Rock Album
Echoes, Silence, Patience & Grace
Foo Fighters

Note to Dave Grohl: you can shut the fuck up now. I’m surprised that Wilco didn’t win here, as Sky Blue Sky is an album that even your Dad likes.

Best Alternative Music Album
Icky Thump
The White Stripes

Nope. It was Arcade Fire’s Neon Bible, dumbasses.

So there you go, a complete rundown of the 50th Annual Grammy Awards without having to watch it and you got the benefit of who should have won, based on the shitty nominees. It’s not like you missed anything anyway and it’s not like the Grammy’s are going to be around for another 50 years either.
You’re welcome….

The 2007 Baker's Dozen

Good Lord. Is it that time already? Every year, Glam-Racket compiles 12 albums and then adds 1 more for good measure. Originally, the idea was for people to consider getting one album a month and then get another one for Christmas, a birthday, Thanksgiving, whatever. But since people don’t buy albums anymore, The Baker’s Dozen has changed has been reduced to “Those thirteen albums you should have illegally downloaded this year.”
Yes, Glam-Racket is as reluctant to give up on antiquated music formats in much the same way your Grandmother wouldn’t change from cassettes to cd. We’re old like that, holding on to a forgotten time when music fans bought albums, read liner notes, and then made a copy for their friends on a Maxell XL-II cassette.
Remember kids: home taping kills music!
Without further ado, below is Glam-Racket’s Baker’s Dozen, written in some kind of third person narrative like more than one person came up with this shit. Not so; it’s entirely from the dome of Todd Totale.
The best of the rest follow the top thirteen, but you should check back often to see how frequently I change shit around or add the stuff that I totally overlooked.
And again: If you’re going to whine about it, do so in the comment section and then get your own website and put your precious Robert Pollard album at the top at that fucker.

Baker’s Dozen 2007


1.) RADIOHEAD-In Rainbows
There’s a real possibility that, even without the music to consider, In Rainbows would have to be considered for album of the year on the basis of ingenious marketing alone. The entire “you price it” philosophy is something that would only work in the Radiohead camp, yet the novelty of it assured the band of unprecedented press coverage and a hype that surpassed anything conjured up by a major label.
And before you start thinking that I’m putting In Rainbows at the top of Baker’s Dozen merely on the merits of its overly clever release campaign, open your mouth so that I may insert my erect penis. Because what’s gotten me erect in the first place is the fact that In Rainbows manages to take all of the idosyncracies that made me love Kid A and turn it into an accessibly wonderful piece of work that the whole family can enjoy. Yes the band, known for it’s woefully pretentious image, could have easily rested on that perception and made another vehicle that only their most fervent fans would have enjoyed. But instead, they’ve surprised us all by corralling the electronic blips and beeps and made a remarkably relaxed and confident record.
Which again, points straight back at the entire marketing strategy. This is an “album” in the truest sense of the word, which is becoming a fairly rare anomaly in these days of digital downloads. And to prevent sacrificing their original intentions to a marketplace that is mainly raised on individual tracks, the band constructed a novel plan to keep the entire piece, the new Radiohead album, in the original context, they provided existing a potential fans with an incentive to keep everything in its right place.

2.) AMY WINEHOUSE-Back To Black
3.) ARCADE FIRE-Neon Bible
4.) ALLISON KRAUSS & ROBERT PLANT-Raising Sand
5.) DEERHUNTER-Cryptograms
6.) ANIMAL COLLECTIVE-Strawberry Jam
7.) OKKERVIL RIVER-The Stage Names
8.) BLONDE REDHEAD-23
9.) PIG DESTROYER-Phantom Limb
10.) THE WHITE STRIPES-Icky Thump
11.) IAN HUNTER-Shrunken Heads
12.) LCD SOUNDSYSTEM-Sound Of Silver
13.) THE SHINS-Wincing The Night Away

And the following are recommended for further listening:

14.) DINOSAUR JR.-Beyond
15.) WILCO-Sky Blue Sky
16.) BATTLES-Mirrored
17.) BAND OF HORSES-Cease To Begin
18.) GRINDERMAN-Grinderman
19.) YEAH YEAH YEAHS-Is Is
20.) FIEST-The Reminder
21.) THE BROKEN WEST-I Can’t Go On, I’ll Go On
22.) TEGAN & SARA-The Con
23.) THURSTON MOORE-Trees Outside The Academy
24.) SPOON-Ga Ga Ga Ga Ga
25.) PANDA BEAR-Person Pitch
26.) PAUL McCARTNEY-Memory Almost Full