The 50th Annual Grammy Awards

I caught Grammy Fever!

Which means that I took a few Excederin, ironed a few clothes and watched The Wire instead of the Grammy Awards. Have the Grammys ever been able to top Charlie Rich lighting the envelope that held John Denver’s “Best Country Artist” win that year? I don’t think so. Those were the days when drunk badasses with nicknames like The Silver Fox got airtime. Now, the Grammys are so sedated that it looks as out of touch as the record companies it attempts to pander to.
Looky! Looky! We’re still relevant!
Not so much.
But even though the Grammy Awards have never been, how do we say, hip, there used to be this strong urge to watch the masturbation, only to be disappointed when bands like the Starland Vocal Band win the award for “Best New Artist” while my rock bands left empty-handed. By the time Christopher Cross won his award, I understood that the voting group consisted of 60 year-old white males who probably still considered guitar bands like The Beatles as “on the way out.”
Now it’s the major label formula of accounting practices that are “on the way out” which means that it was going to be looking forward to a segment that used to be the low-point of every Grammy Awards telecast: the message from the President/CEO of the Recording Academy. Neil Portnow’s remarks this year essentially served as the pre-requisite back patting on how they are preserving the heritage of the recording industry.
Portnow curiously sidestepped the entire “illegal” downloading debate, focusing instead on the enormous plague of artists not being compensated when their music is played on the radio.

“We advocate for the rights of our music community in Washington, D.C., and all
across the country. This year, we will fight to pass legislation to once and for
all ensure that, just like in every other developed country in the world, all
music creators are compensated for their performances when played on traditional
radio.”

I wasn’t aware that people listened to radio anymore, but more power to ya, Neil.

So the money shot turned out to be the awards. But the problem was that the big winner, Amy Winehouse, had to phone in her performance because we don’t let crackheads into our country. Just think of how awesome it would have been had they let her in and gave her a full bar to rehearse to.

Again, I totally vetoed the Grammys, but the internets told me who won what:

Record Of The Year
“Rehab”
Amy Winehouse

Well duh….

Album Of The Year
River: The Joni Letters
Herbie Hancock

Wow…I had no idea Herbie Hancock even released a record this year. Christ, I had no idea he’s released an album since Future Shock, the one with “Rockit” on it.

Song Of The Year
"Rehab"
Amy Winehouse

It probably should’ve gone to “Before He Cheats.” Seriously, stop by any karaoke night and you will see at least one version of this with an entire chorus of women around the bar singing along too.

Best New Artist
Amy Winehouse

You knew this one was coming. Fiest fans need not worry: the “Best New Artist” category is usually the “Kiss Of Death” category….

Best Female Pop Vocal Performance
”Rehab”
Amy Winehouse

Der...

Best Male Pop Vocal Performance
”What Goes Around...Comes Around”
Justin Timberlake

This shit was the jam….seriously.

Best Pop Performance By A Duo Or Group With Vocals
“(You Want To) Make A Memory”
Bon Jovi
Track from: Lost Highway

“Home”
Daughtry
Track from: My Penis In Your Daughter

“Makes Me Wonder”
Maroon 5
Track from: It Won't Be Soon Before Long

“Hey There Delilah”
Plain White T's
Track from: Every Second Counts

“Window In The Skies”
U2
Track from: U218 - Singles

I have never heard any of those songs. Maroon 5 won, if you give a shit...

Best Pop Collaboration With Vocals

”Gone Gone Gone (Done Moved On)”
Robert Plant & Alison Krauss

No shit, Shirlock….

Best Pop Vocal Album
Back To Black
Amy Winehouse

The correct pick….

Best Electronic/Dance Album
We Are The Night
The Chemical Brothers

Should’ve been Sound of Silver…..

Best Solo Rock Vocal Performance
“Radio Nowhere”
Bruce Springsteen
Track from: Magic

I would’ve picked Paul McCartney on this one….lots more challenging that Springsteen’s.

Best Rock Performance By A Duo Or Group With Vocals
”Icky Thump”
The White Stripes
Track from: Icky Thump

If you would’ve seen the other nominees, you would have thanked the academy for choosing the Stripes here….

Best Hard Rock Performance
”The Pretender”
Foo Fighters

I stopped giving a shit about these guys well over a decade ago, around the same time when I started to figure out that every fucking Foo Fighters song sounds just like the last one. Note to Dave Grohl: you can leave now. Should’ve gone to Queens Of The Stone Age.

Best Metal Performance
”Final Six”
Slayer
Track from: Christ Illusion

I was secretly hoping that King Diamond would have won this one….

Best Rock Instrumental Performance
”Once Upon A Time In The West”
Bruce Springsteen
Track from: We All Love Ennio Morricone

This was about as retarded as Jethro Tull winning the “Best Metal” record. The category is typically used for metal/hard rock acts that throw down a shredding instrumental. Steve Vai and Joe Satriani are common nominees. But this year, Rush’s “Malignant Narcissism” was the clear winner….And they gave it to Springsteen.
Best Rock Song
”Radio Nowhere”
Bruce Springsteen
Track from: Magic

A safe choice here. The White Stripes’ “Icky Thump” should have won because it ruled.

Best Rock Album
Echoes, Silence, Patience & Grace
Foo Fighters

Note to Dave Grohl: you can shut the fuck up now. I’m surprised that Wilco didn’t win here, as Sky Blue Sky is an album that even your Dad likes.

Best Alternative Music Album
Icky Thump
The White Stripes

Nope. It was Arcade Fire’s Neon Bible, dumbasses.

So there you go, a complete rundown of the 50th Annual Grammy Awards without having to watch it and you got the benefit of who should have won, based on the shitty nominees. It’s not like you missed anything anyway and it’s not like the Grammy’s are going to be around for another 50 years either.
You’re welcome….