Chocolate Reign: Billboard Top 100 More Accurately Reflects How Awful Our Music Really Is

My father was the first person who taught me about musical genres.

When I was a young child, I questioned why my old man didn’t dig the catchy tunes by the Monkees or the Archies.

“Because it’s bubble gum music.”

I pressed to understand more, because I certainly loved my Bubble Yum and that “Last Train To Clarksville” sounded pretty rad, back in the day.

I learned that “Bubble Gum music” was anything intentionally produced with the primary goal of creating a hit through appealing to the lowest common denominator of the listener. It was supported by teenagers-my dad’s words-who had little appreciation for music itself, as evidenced by the manufactured sounds of the 1910 Fruitgum Company or whoever the band was that did “Yummy Yummy Yummy.”

I bring all of this up as we get ready to enter another era of Bubble Gum music, and the manufacturers of our most recent example will not longer be the result of production lines of faceless Salieri, churning out this carb-rich drab. Instead, the drab will be the by-product of an endless parade of no-talent amateurs, their success fueled by the fickle web surfer who will forget about the performer right around the time someone uploads the next cute cat video to YouTube.

Yes, the internet behemoth will now be considered on the increasing irrelevant Billboard Hot 100 charts, when calculating the hits that Americans listen to the most.

Personally, I don’t quite get the whole YouTube as a music player thing, but I have tons of friends that use it to discover and reminisce about music. It’s big enough that it would be stupid not to use it as part of the Billboard data, even though the decision will most certainly reflect the god-awful taste in music that this country has.

It will also enable the global shitstorm of poor music to invade our country, making way for the next “Gangnam Style” ad infinite.

Do you want to know the first song that I thought of when the YouTube on Billboard story was announced? That stupid “Chocolate Rain” song. How long before the next radio voice with a Yamaha keyboard begins their ascension into Casey’s Top 40? Are we setting these amateurs up for even more airtime than they are worth, invading our screens with the obligatory One Hit Wonders specials when the next decade rolls around?

Straight Outta SNES

Because I cannot handle anymore Tay Zonday.

My kids know an impressive amount of Top 40 music, and there is real joy in listening to them sing along, mimicking emotion and pretending like they have a clue about romantic love. At the end of the day, I would rather they sing Taylor Swift over Rebecca Black. While one may be manufactured and simple, the other one is an egocentric offering that needs a firewall that prevents them from sharing their limited talents with a population that doesn’t know any better.

In years past, a few of them have gotten through nationally (Timmy T., anyone?) it will be nothing like the Chocolate Rain enema that will flush out every musical meme right on to Joel Whitburn’s wallpaper.

It’d be a goddamn outrage if anyone actually gave a shit about the Top 100 anymore.