The Baker's Dozen of Things My Co-Workers Overheard Me Say In 2010

My job is a drag.

I don't let it bum me out too much; I do things to keep things interesting and all of my aggravation leaves my body as I walk to the car every night.

But during the weekdays, you can find me speaking to a variety of different people. From the dumb and poor to the rich and stupid, it takes all kinds and it takes a patient man to listen to some of the bullshit that I have to listen to.

I don't exaggerate when I say that I do with two primary things: money and death. It can be a challenge sometimes, which is why my finger is frequently on my mute button so that I can smart back to some rude and abrasive fuck or poke fun at some amazingly stupid people.

And I don't mean stupid as in low intelligence. I mean stupid as in having too much of an ego to consider logic. I can confirm there is a new level of retardedness in this country and there are a lot of really mean people in this world who like nothing more than to take their personal frustrations on others and who think that it's everybody else's fault but their own.

Still, it beats managing retail, for sure, and a lot of that is due to the fact that I have a mute button.

Someone actually saved some of the comments they overheard me say to people on the phone-mute button on, of course-during the past year. I received a copy of some of these and have narrowed it down to my top 13.

A Baker's Dozen of smartass remarks=all of them true-compiled without my knowledge and now said to be moving around in other departments.

Reportedly, there is also a rumor that these comments led to my termination, which isn't the case since no one on the receiving end heard any of these.

But because of this, I have toned down the rhetoric just in case someone important happens to be listening to my shenanigans.

1.) “Yes m’am we put the wrong policy number on your statement. That’s how we like to do things. It’s actually a mass conspiracy against you. You know like the people who killed Kennedy.”

2.) “Thanks Cindy…lay off the Nyquil.”

3.) “You keep talking to me like that and I’m gonna take you to Granite City for dinner.”

4.) “Well we encourage you to pay back the interest so the loan doesn’t keep getting bigger OR you can just keep talking and not listen….that’s fine too.”

5.) “You’re kind of a miserable fellow aren’t you?”

6.) “Those are savings bonds m’am…..you threw them away? You just threw away money. They’re like checks from the government and you discarded them?”*

7.) “Sure sir, I’m glad I could help…Now take that cookie out of your mouth right now.”

8.) “Excuse me Marilyn? Can you turn down the Maury Povich show?”

9.) “Excuse me m’am…are you in some type of other universe where what you’re saying actually makes sense?”

10.) “Thank you have a nice day….and go change that battery in your fire detector.”

11.) “Yeah after Kurt Warner threw that touchdown in the Super Bowl, I pooped my pants.”**

12.) “I’m uncomfortable explaining how to sell a product to an agent who’s licensed to sell that product.”

13.) “Yes my name is Todd…..but you can call me Carl.”

* I actually didn't have the phone muted on this one.

** This is almost true. I made this huge Super Bowl spread for my family and after ingesting a large amount of fancy cheese, crackers, and other snack items, I suddenly came down with the flu and spent 3/4 of the game shitting and puking. I did manage to see Kurt Warner throw that last effort touchdown pass and I did go defecate immediately afterwards, just not in my pants.