Gene Simmons Counterfeit Jewels

Not too long ago, I watched a Gene Simmons Family Jewels episode which rubbed me the wrong way as apposed to other episodes where I quickly turned away because Simmons is a one trick pony and his spiel is as tired as any dinosaur act.

The show is proving that the son doesn’t fall too far from the tree, but with as much bullshit as that show promotes, it’s hard to tell if the father/son dynamic is composed or in fact reality.

Because everything falls too neatly into place with that show, unlike The Osbournes first season where Ozzy putzed around like a clueless sap, painfully showing us that Sharon ran the show, both literally and figuratively. That moment began when Sharron rigged the Ozzy show to pump out bubbles.

Meanwhile, if Kiss had a show with bubbles, nobody would blink an eye-because they’re more about the “show” than the business of protecting an image. And the image is trade-marked and copyright protected.

Which made the “special” episode of Kissteriakind of unique as it included Paul Stanley eating a sandwich at his place with Gene, who just happened to be over for a bite to eat.

Which casually munching away, the television set was conveniently tuned to some station that was airing Extra! Or Entertainment Tonight or some other tabloid show who just happened to be doing an unsolicited announcement that Kiss’ Alive album was celebrating its 35th anniversary. Not 25, Not 30, but 35, because it rolls off the tongue (pun intended).

The viewer is then led to believe that Gene and Paul then start up yet another conversation of “I hate how all these young bands come out and do a boring rock show!” like this is the only conversation that these two men ever have with each other

This in turn then becomes the obligatory “We should do another tour and show these youngsters how a real rock band plays live!” which prompts Paul to put down his sandwich and call manager Doc McGhee to set up an impromptu tour of Australia.

From there, the tour is created and the duo put Doc through a bunch of headaches and pretended to add on additional dates in the middle of their Australian tour.

To make drama, the footage shows Gene stuck on his Peter Pan cables after flying during “God Of Thunder,” making the event as some kind of death defying moment when the only thing Gene was really in danger of losing was his pride.

And even that couldn’t occur, and he takes out all of his spoiled anger on the hapless McGhee who throws back an obligatory “This is what happens when you rush putting a tour together..” reply.

Personally, I don’t believe any of them. I don’t believe the decision to tour was made over a turkey on rye, I don’t believe that McGhee put together a tour that quickly, and I don’t believe that all of the shenanigans that this special episode presents even happened.

The funniest thing is how all of this translates as some kind of living dangerously scenario that Gene and Paul want you to believe. When they’re not living on the edge by scheduling shit on a moment’s notice, they’re giving back to the community in the form of woefully ugly Paul Stanley art pieces, including one that he “forgets” for some charity while in Australia.

So what does the Starman do when he realizes that he forgot his painting to auction? He complains to Doc McGhee. When Doc orders someone to retrieve the painting and overnight deliver it to Australia, they end up shipping the wrong painting altogether.

Again, it’s impossible to judge if this event really happened or was sabotaged for laughs. What’s even more hilarious is the painting that Stanley comes up with in his hotel room while the other member of Kiss and his two hired guns are partying in a club.

It’s awful in an “I’m throwing a bunch of shit on a canvas and I’ll bullshit my way on stage to make up some phony nonsense as to the meaning of this turd when it’s time for the auction.”

Stanley does just that and he gets a fortune for his charitable artwork.



Speaking of Kiss, I never did see how the "Kids Get In Free" promotion even worked. Aside from that initial announcement, did they ever explain how the kids could actually get in free?