Lordi - The Arockalypse

The last time anyone ever brought me music at work would have been The Eagles Greatest Hits Volume One, the biggest selling album in rock history, because the guy figured I liked music. There is no safer album than Greatest Hits Volume One mind you, but like The Dude, I fucking hate The Eagles man.
So another dude, actually my supervisor at work even though he doesn’t really stand out as a supervisor in my mind, which may explain why we get along ok, figured out that I’m kind of into music (really?) and I was surprised to learn that 1.) he used to provide people with amateur Indian ink tattoos while in high school (he admitted that he turned down a chick who kept pestering him for a pentagram on her face…HER FACE!!! Because he knew that there would be a time….like ten minutes later…in which she’d regret the decision and hold him accountable for it) and 2.) He is relatively versed in things metal.
So I may have let slip that I enjoy the metal on occasion which got us talking about Maiden (what doesn’t?) which led to a discussion about Megadeath which demonstrated that he was more of a fan of them than me because I think Dave Mustaine is whiney little Christian bitch.
Nonetheless, the common ground led him to suddenly burn me a copy of Lordi, apparently a fairly huge Finish metal band that’s heavy on Kiss-like theatrics and huge production values, bringing to mind a time in the 80’s when such tomfoolery was tolerated and enjoyed by many, thanks to music videos and the stoners that watched it.
Now, I’m all about tomfoolery but Kiss-like theatrics, not so much. To be honest, I find Twisted Sister to be fairly silly and I think GWAR is a bunch of tuneless morons that replace songs with desparate stage moves.
Lordi, on the other hand, doesn't share my opinion.
So now I’m forced to endure the daily “So, did you listen to Lordi yet?” questions, which means that I’m going to eventually have to listen to it. Not out of fear of reprisal, far from it, but because it was such an old school gesture that, you’re goddamn right, I’m going to listen to a burned cd copy of a Finish metal band.
The Arockalypse (I kid you not) is a charming little collection of heavy-riffing, curiously melodic metal pop songs with titles like “Who’s Your Daddy,” “The Night of the Loving Dead,” and my personal favorite “Bringing Back The Balls To Rock.”
There’s a reason why this shit is huge in Europe: because here in America, no credible metal band (besides Kiss) would ever dream of titling a song “Who’s Your Daddy” and, should one ever decide to title a song “Bringing Back The Balls To Rock,” then that fucker better indeed rock balls.
In Europe, behavior like this is celebrated and, indeed, rewarded as Lordi actually won a nationally televised battle of the bands contest that propelled them into stardom across the fucking continent.
In case you're wondering: Lordi doesn’t rock balls. Occasionally, they do surprise. Like when out of nowhere I hear the unfuckingmistakable yell of Udo Dirkschneider. Now, any band that asks the motherfucker from Accept to join in immediately scores points with me, even when the sound he appears on (“Hard Rock Hallelujah”) is about a pubic hair more heavier than H.I.M.
Lordi are so indebted to Kiss that they actually scored “barely a member” Bruce Kulick on board for a few numbers while Dee Snider also makes an appearance.
Is it fun? For some perhaps. Is it memorable? I suppose so, after repeatedly listenings. Is it for me? Not really, but don’t let my boss know that.

Inspirational verse:

"Attention class
Here we come
We kick your ass
That’s lesson one”

Inspirational verse (reprise):

“Turn up the amps past overload
Eardrums will explode”