Fun In The Cubicle

I was going to write something about Perry Como, who died on this day a few years ago. Essentially, it was going to be a brief blurb with an old SCTV bit of Perry "Mr Relaxation" Como as played by Rick Moranis. You Tube doesn't have a clip, so plan B.
Trouble is, there is no plan b actually. So here's some fun at work.
Several months ago, I spoke to a very rude lady on the phone at work. She was from New Jersey, so no surprise there. But as she was bitching, I was forced to go and look for something. I explained that I would be right back, but actually I didn't put her on hold, I just muted the line. I heard her sigh...repeatedly...until her dog "Monty" started to yip and bark in the background. She began to converse with the dog in more of a polite and adult manner than she did with me. Suddenly, I began to despise that dog.
Fast forward to today, where I came across her name again, along with her contact information, and during a lull at work, I composed the following letter to her.
In case you're wondering, the story is real (all except the dog eating of course) and, although I have changed the names of the people, there's a chance that some of you may know exactly who I'm referring to.

John Axeman
2165 Loredo Blvd
Brainard, MN 64114

Delorez Cunt
666 Matlock Drive
Voorhees, NJ 08043-4717

Delorez:

I’ve been thinking about Monty lately. Sweet, tender Monty. There are times in which I consider how succulent he would be, perhaps accented by a spicy dry rub, meticulously cooked over charcoal briquettes. It would be a delectable feast Delorez, but rest assured, I would leave a seat for you at the table.

You see, I too know the pleasure and unconditional love that a dog provides us. There was a time in which I owned a dog, part fox actually, that I received while he was still a pup. I called him ‘Bosey.’

I was tripping on acid one night, when I stumbled home and understood that I needed to let Bosey out of the cage and run free. I felt guilty for keeping him locked up and suddenly an intense connection fell upon me. I unlocked the cage and let him go. “Bosey!” I yelled. “He’s a good dog. He knows where he’s at.”

Then I put a frozen pizza in the oven and promptly forgot about it, nearly causing a fire in my basement apartment.

I think it is fair to say that I wouldn’t have forgotten about Bosey, had it been him cooking inside of my oven, instead of that Totino’s frozen pizza. It’s also fair to assume that I will attend to the cooking of Monty with the utmost responsibility, loyally attending to his juices with the same loyalty that he provides you on a daily basis.

He will be so delicious.

Sincerely,



John Axeman


P.S.: I fell off a balcony in a drunken stupor in 1995 and passed away. All I thought about on my journey to that white light was my fox/dog mix Bosey. He was a good dog.