White Meat: VH1's The (White) Rapper Show

Guilty pleasure alert: I’ve totally succumbed to VH1’s The (White) Rapper Show and have quietly been following the trials and tribulations of 10 crackers aspiring to be the next big thing in hip hop.
The talent throughout the series seemed suspect; none of the contestants seemed all that good, but then again, this really isn’t my genre to judge. Truth be told, I’m a fringe player when it comes to this rap game having lost any remaining passion for it sometime in the mid-90’s when it I perceived rap to have lost its ability to go beyond its most trivial themes.
A brief foray into trip hop happened before I entered into the realm of a rap sideliner, but have managed to stay in some sort of context thanks to the direction of reviews and through surrounding myself around younger listeners who subscribe to rap’s marketing plan.
What I’ve found is that the genre is explicitly a younger game, as evidenced by the alarming rate of turnover within the community and by the lack of meaningful sales results from old school artists. You still see, from time to time, rock artists in their 40’s, 50’s and 60’s selling out venues and posting impressive chart entries, but when did Public Enemy or even an artist who had some successful albums last decade maintain that success a decade later?
Which makes it easier to understand why Shamrock won The (White) Rapper Show contest; with little in terms of originality and quality rhymes, he managed to defeat John “King Of The Burbs” Brown through the sheer ability of emulating the artists that he’s seen paraded in front of him during that past few years. And that emulation begins and ends with his limited interpretation of “The Dirty South” rather than examining what the show tried (and failed) to accomplish in almost every one of its episodes: appreciating and learning from the history of hip hop. To this viewer, Shamrock sounded exactly, in terms of his content and flow, like the same person who started the show when he competed against 9 other artists.
But what do I know? I’m just a Sideline Sally at this rap game and, as one of the judges said on the final episode: rap “isn’t about [the] words anymore.”
True ‘dat.

The cast:

100 Proof-The mohawked Texan was fairly entertaining, and I felt he was let go too soon. Although his rhymes didn’t seem good enough to warrant being part of the final four, I still liked the idea of a Waylon Jennings wearing drunk spitting rhymes. Wanted him to be in the final four.

Dasit-Shit, I don’t even remember this dude. Oh wait, he was the one that didn't write anything when he was asked to. That's it, Dasit: way to fuck yourself in the first episode.

G-Child-Most notable moments: she was tiny and Vanilla Ice was her hero. While it takes gonads to admit that, there are some of us who were around when Vanilla Ice was all over MTV and radio and, more importantly, old enough to remember what a crock of shit he was.

John Brown-I want a recount, hallelujah hollaback. The self-proclaimed “King Of The Burbs” and his unbelievably retarded “Ghetto Revival” business plan were just enough to piss off his fellow rappers and to keep me tuning in week after week. Even in the face of his adversaries, he didn’t break a sweat once, which leads me to believe that his repetitive mantra was total bullshit, and therefore, brilliant. One of the best rappers of the bunch, I was kind of bummed that he lost.

Jon Boy-The only thing I remember about him was that he was into Christ. Because I’ve heard Christian rock before, the idea of a Christian rap artist frightened me.

Jus Rhyme-How this fucker ended up in the final four is beyond me. Weak rap skills, lame lyrical content, and an image straight out of Austin, Minnesota. Better name: Jus Spam.

Misfit Dior-The British babe known more for giving Sullee a boner instead of rap skills. Weak sauce.

Persia-And the award for best choke artist is….Great rhyme skills combined with a piss poor memory, Persia had only herself to blame for forgetting her rhymes in the heat of the moment. Her beef with John Brown made for some great television too. Should have been in the final four, but she couldn’t remember the number that came after 3.

$hamrock-Everything about this dude rubbed me the wrong way. Unoriginal and uninspiring, Shamrock won by playing it safe while his competitor (John Brown) made the fatal mistake of spitting a challenging rhyme in front of a club audience. Shouldn’t have been in the final four.

Sullee-Should have been in the final four, but being Irish usually means you also have a temper. Sullee did and it got the best of him: whenever he faced one too many challenges, he got bitter and shut down. Like Persia, he had some memorable beefs with John Brown and like Persia, he has only himself to blame for walking away from the game. Plus, he voted for Bush, which is reason enough to “step off.”

So what's worse than admitting to watching a guilty pleasure? Writing about it and letting the world know.