Golden Earring - Something Heavy Going Down

Golden Earring is the first band I that ever had a brush with greatness. It was in St. Louis, Missouri at a hotel. Our family went to breakfast in the hotel and we were seated next to a group of guys-many of who had long hair-who were intently perusing through the local morning newspaper. They would read aloud from a page and then pass it to another person. After a few rounds and a few sips of coffee, the group left and had it not been for my dad, I would have never known how close I was sitting next to a bona-fide rock band.
“I think those guys are from Golden Earring.” He announced to mom and I after they were well out of earshot.
They were reading a review of their show from the night before, and apparently my dad, who was reading his own copy of the St. Louis Post-Dispatch, came across the same article right around the same time that our table neighbors did.
This was around the time of “Radar Love,” a song that was played constantly on the radio. I was too young to know anything about asking for autographs, but I did question why my father didn’t just simply go up to them and ask “Hey! Are you the guys from Golden Earring?” It would have been awesome to go back home, stretch the true a bit and tell all my second-grade friends that I had breakfast with Golden Earring.
Years later, Golden Earring scored their second hit single quite a while after the first. “Twilight Zone” sounded quite different from “Radar Love” and it took a few listens to “get” the hook. There was something about “when the bullet hits the bone” that just doesn’t stand up and say, “You wanna be startin’ somethin’?”
Anyway, there was a dude in my high school-a quiet, unassuming fellow-that sold factory-fresh cassettes out of his locker for pennies on the dollar. He was a band geek and a friend of mine who happened to be in band bought a tape from him in school and told me about the great deal he got. So I went up to him and said, “I hear you’re selling tapes.” And he directed me to stop by his locker after fifth period so that I could take a look. The whole thing was like a drug deal and I even mentioned to him that it seemed stupid that he was acting so secretive about the transaction.
But something was array; the dude brings out a fairly large cassette case and placed it on the windowsill across from his locker to review its contents. There was a wide array of cassette tapes, brand new and still sealed, of new releases. These were not promotional copies-there was no promo cuts or holes-but were straight off the shelf tapes at the low, low price of $4 each or 3 for $10. To go to the store would have easily set you back $9 for just one.
I asked him how he acquired all of this product and he mumbled something vague that may have referenced something about an uncle, cousin, or other family member. Chances are, the shit was ripped off, acquired for cheap, and each sale put a buck into the dude’s pocket.
I need to explain something: new releases don’t always equate to good releases, or releases that I necessarily want. There was a lot of stuff that I could have easily lived without, but at prices that low, you begin to make compromises-particularly when trying to get that “3 for $10” discount.
There was a live Golden Earring album, Something Heavy Going Down, that enabled me to save a buck and since I’d had a run in with them and since I liked “Radar Love” and “Twilight Zone” (and since the album contained both songs) I decided to contribute $3.33 to this album.
You may have noticed that it took me a long time just leading up to the album that this post supposedly reviews, and there’s a reason for that. The stories you’ve read about my entire experience with the band Golden Earring is about ten-times more entertaining than anything you’ll hear on Something Heavy Going Down.
First, there’s the matter of the mix. It’s a weird blend thin production values and an even worse capturing of Barry Hay’s lead vocals. It sounds like someone provided the frontman with the worse microphone in the house-there’s no depth to it; everything sounds like it’s bound to only midrange tones. The entire recording sounds like it was meant for one of those Westwood One “In Concert” shows with the actual commercial release of the show being recorded directly from the FM transmission.
Which leads to something even more annoying than the sound quality-the censoring of swear words. Yes it’s true: Golden Earring would occasionally swear in concert, but either the band or the record company decided that the “legions” of Earring fans would be offended by such profanity.
May whips out a little “sad, sad story” during “Long Blonde Animal,” about how he came home after the last U.S. tour to find that his old lady had shacked up with “the meanest motherfucker you ever saw.” I know that May says “motherfucker” because they just take that word, play it backwards, and think that they’ve achieved complete success. The problem is, the album is called Something Heavy Going Down and there’s nothing heavy by pussing out on the word “fuck,” “shit,” or anything else meant to convey heaviness.
The title track, by the way, is the only thing that isn’t live. Golden Earring apparently intended it to be the hit single off the album, but it’s such a cantankerous piece of shit, filled with synths and electronic drums, that it should have been called “Going Down On Someone Heavy.”
That’s right, it’s a fat piece of smelly vagina.
Or a tubby layer of stinky balls, if you’re a lady.
Other than that, the album lets you get to sample all of those other songs you missed in between Golden Earring’s two hits. And believe me, it doesn’t take a rocket scientist to figure out why these Dutch ovens couldn’t manage another hit.
When it comes down to visiting the actual songs, they roll it on and on for an unbearable eleven minutes (“Twilight Zone”) or speed the song up to the point where it sounds like they’re trying to get through the goddamn thing (“Radar Love”) but still spin through the motions for over nine minutes.
You have to give a band who’s been around for as long as Golden Earring (they were celebrating their 20th year by the time this album was released) a certain amount of credit for that kind of longevity. At the same time, you also have to hold them to a higher standard. They should know better than to release something this dismal, particularly when they were trying to use it to provide some longevity for their second chance.
No wonder their comeback lasted about as long as their first taste of success.