XLIII

Is there anything more neutering than having to stay at home with the kids on Super Bowl Sunday while the wife is at work? I’m exaggerating as the wife will be home around the time of kickoff, which means that I can at least focus on the game somewhat as there will be another adult in the house that the kids can bug.
Since my wife is not a football fan, she usually draws the short end of the stick every year on this date. All of her male co-workers put in their time off requests well in advance and a few actually ask for the following Monday off to recuperate from the ensuing hangover.
I tried not to go overboard in terms of the preparation of shit for today. I’ve learned from years past that it’s not worth cooking a bunch of wings and throwing together a bunch of nachos because nobody will help eat it. I live with a bunch of pussies who think anything beyond mild salsa is too hot and, unless it’s barbeque, the sauce for the wings is too spicy.
Silly rabbit, that’s what the beer is for.
So I’ve opted for a plethora of cheeses and pickled herring…the latter of which I’m proud to say that the boy has developed a taste for. Call it the remnants of those Swedish genes floating around in my bloodstream. Everyone else just looks at those raw fishy cuts and goes “Ew!”
It’ll be the Steelers by 9 this year and, as a Cleveland Browns fan that pains me. What makes it worse is that I know many Pittsburg fans, so I will be forced to acknowledge them when they win tonight.
Actually, there’s a weird division going on in this state at the moment. On the Eastern side, the Steelers fans are fueled by an admitted impressive past as Pittsburg was often a worthy foe to the even worse Cowboys during the 70’s. And if the Super Bowl featured the Steelers against Dallas then I would be forced to lend a weak nod in Pittsburg’s favor.
There are also a lot of Pittsburg fans around here that draw a connection between them and the Iowa Hawkeyes as retired Hawk coach Hayden Fry lifted the design of Iowa’s uniforms from the Steelers. At that time, the Hawkeyes were on a decades long losing streak while the Steelers were in their heyday. Fry wanted to get people to associate the Hawkeyes with something that visually resembled positive.
It worked and it provided people with an extensive wardrobe of yellow and black to continue wearing those colors long after the collegiate post season ended.
My resentment towards the Steelers started during those glory days. I was an Oakland Raiders fan, and the Steelers always proved to be worthy spoilers. I loved Ken Stabler’s laid back style compared to the cocky shenanigans of one Terry Bradshaw.
Fuck that dude. He annoys the piss out of me.
When Al Davis uprooted the Raiders to L.A., I stopped supporting them. It was then that I started to pay attention to that NFL team with no logo on their helmet in a crumbling city next to Lake Erie. Ironically, similar circumstances befouled the Browns as the cocksucking owner moved them to Baltimore even in the face of enormous fan support and strong ticket sales.
It has been a trying time during my support of this team. I’ve endured “The Drive,” “The Fumble,” and a 10-6 record from two years ago which prompted no post-season opportunity and high expectations for this past season, which true to Cleveland form, provided nothing but another losing season.
Probably the only other team that has had it worse than Cleveland is the Arizona Cardinals. They have a substantial amount of support this year as Kurt Warner hails from Burlington, Iowa, a town just up the road from my hometown. He also played for my alma mater, the University of Northern Iowa, but didn’t really take off until two years after I graduated.
After graduating, he played for the Iowa Barnstormers and his success there led to a shot in the NFL. Since St. Louis is right next door to us, Warner’s success with the Rams was pretty big news around here.
The only drawback is that Warner is nice…too nice in some respects. He makes regular visits around here, usually speaking at church events and offering endless praise of the “Heavenly Father.” Iowa may be proportionally more religious than other states, but I can assure you that most of us aren’t religious to a point where we’re obnoxious about it. Like good Midwesterners, we tend to shut up about it and let others decide for themselves. Warner seems like the type of guy that goes out of his way to wax on about faith, providing a big role model for like-minded bible beaters and the need for additional clarification from the rest of us. Clarification as in: “Hey, most of us aren’t that obsessive about Christ here in Iowa.”
Nonetheless, because of his lineage, locale and the fact that I have relatives that reside and/or own homes in Arizona, I’ll be rooting for the Cardinals this year.
And with a little help from our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ, they’ll beat those fucksticks Steelers.