Sunday, December 17, 2006

Matt Rogers-Rated X Mas

Since we’re quickly approaching the holidays, I think it’s time to mention the absolute worst Christmas albums known to mankind. It would be easy to nominate those recent offerings by Billy Idol or Twisted Sister, but I’m versed enough to know that the most pathetic holiday album was released in 1999 and is no longer available. It’s because the baby Jesus demanded the thing be recalled shortly after it was issued.
Matt Rogers’ Rated X-Mas promises “Christmas songs NOT for the entire family!!!” when it should have read “Christmas songs NOT fit for human consumption.” Containing 8 songs (or “parodies” as listed on the cover art) and clocking in at less than 20 minutes, it’s a collection of familiar Christmas classics, lyrically raped by (assumedly) Matt Rogers and a few unnamed musicians.
These musicians have, what sounds like, a commercially available keyboard pre-programmed with songs like “Santa Claus Is Coming To Town” and “Rudolph The Red Nosed Reindeer.” From there, the “hilarity” begins by changing the lyrics of these well-known tunes into raunchy, utterly retarded renditions. At the risk of sounding like a prude, let me declare that even the most socially inept 14-year old that masturbates four times a day would not consider these renditions to be clever or funny. Anyone else would probably react like I did upon first listen: with a violent fervor that will have you screaming for the head of one Matt Rogers.
“Rudolph” is changed into “Rudolph The Deep Throat Reindeer,” where the familiar red-nosed reindeer manages to make the other reindeer jealous because he gives Santa blowjobs and allows him to have anal sex with him because Ms. Clause “is on the rag.” The song is complete with the sound effects of these acts with the role of Rudolph being played by the most juvenile homosexual stereotype imaginable. The rest of the song’s verses are sung by an uncredited female who should be sterilized for participating in such a project.
She also makes an appearance on “Frosty The Pervert” and “Drunken Santa’s Coming To Town.”
The pinnacle of the disc is “Suck On My Cock,” sung to the melody of “Jingle Bell Rock.” It provides the listener with detailed instructions on how to properly give a blowjob (“Start licking and slurping/My dick will get firm/Soon you’ll be tasting sperm”). The funny thing is, when the line “don’t got ripping out my pubic hair” comes around, you begin to wonder if Mr. Rogers has ever even received a blowjob himself; in all of my years of oral sex, I’ve never experienced an incident where my pubic hair was getting pulled. What the fuck?!
Equally troubling is “I Love To Choke My Chicken With My Hand” (sung to “Winter Wonderland”) where Rogers’ admires his ejaculate and then starts, literally, screaming about how his sister offered to blow him if he reciprocates. He continues to rant about how he can jerk off with both hands and how he wants to masturbate continuously. With songs as unfunny as these, his wish may probably come true.
So how did I come into possession of such an unwanted Christmas artifact? Radio stations were sent promotional copies of this disc, which is itself a completely stupid move as none of the songs could even be aired on terrestrial radio due to the lyrics.
Anyway, a friend worked at one of these stations and was taken aback at how awful the disc was. He played it for me, angrily yelling “It’s Christmas!” during points in the song where Mr. Rogers’ probably anticipated laugher. We did laugh: We laughed at the shitty production quality. We laughed at how someone thought it was funny enough to press and release. We laughed at how anyone would actually buy it, only to play it and find out how embarrassingly bad it is. Seriously, it’s not the kind of disc you can play for anyone as most of the reactions to it would be discomforting to the point where you quietly reach for the eject button.
Almost as soon as it was released, it was taken off the shelves in a forced copyright infringement recall. Apparently, in a rush to bring laughter to the world, Mr. Rogers’ failed to secure the legal copyrights to every song he anally raped. This resulted in some very angry legal threats from the original songwriters, to the point where none of them would allow the songs to be used in any future pressings and to the point where Mr. Rogers and “Party On Parody Productions” were forced to destroy all remaining copies of Rated X Mas.
My friend snagged an additional copy for me and since acquiring it, I play it at least once every Christmas to remind myself that there are worse things, much worse, than hearing “Silent Night” for the ten-thousandth time in my life.

1 comment:

SuperCat said...

Sounds absolutely horrible/where can I get a copy.

The story of the idea to do such an album and its progression, the recording and distribution, then the subsequent legal threats and pulling of the final product might make a great basis for a feel-good Christmas movie (fake the part at the end where Santa hands him a platinum lump of coal).