Cedar Rapids

I live in Cedar Rapids, so everyone in town is probably going to be at this movie.

You should come by and rob our homes when we're gone.

I've heard it's good. I've heard it's funny. I've heard that not a goddamn scene was filmed here.

I don't blame them. It stinks here. Literally. If you come into town from the south, you'll get a whiff of the corn syrup processing plant. Trust me, it smells worse than it sounds.

Then you'll run past some really weird chemical smell that will have you saying "Gross!"

Then you'll drive past the Quaker Oats plant, which again, sounds deceiving. You're thinking "Oats. What could smell bad with that?" but you're not understanding that it's nowhere near the delicious goodness of your apple and cinnamon oatmeal. This is like wet, milled oats soaking in some yeasty compound. It's gross. Trust me.

They call it 'The City of Five Seasons' while we call it 'The City of Five Smells.' We haven't quite recovered completely from the 2008 flood, which is a shame cause it had some character at one time.

I'd like to think we're getting back, but I'd be lying if I said we're close to a full recovery and that things are looking better. The reality is that it's frustrating, and I'd in no uncertain terms tell you to come visit.

Save your ticket for a few more years. Go see this movie instead.