Chocolate Reign: Billboard Top 100 More Accurately Reflects How Awful Our Music Really Is

My father was the first person who taught me about musical genres.

When I was a young child, I questioned why my old man didn’t dig the catchy tunes by the Monkees or the Archies.

“Because it’s bubble gum music.”

I pressed to understand more, because I certainly loved my Bubble Yum and that “Last Train To Clarksville” sounded pretty rad, back in the day.

I learned that “Bubble Gum music” was anything intentionally produced with the primary goal of creating a hit through appealing to the lowest common denominator of the listener. It was supported by teenagers-my dad’s words-who had little appreciation for music itself, as evidenced by the manufactured sounds of the 1910 Fruitgum Company or whoever the band was that did “Yummy Yummy Yummy.”

I bring all of this up as we get ready to enter another era of Bubble Gum music, and the manufacturers of our most recent example will not longer be the result of production lines of faceless Salieri, churning out this carb-rich drab. Instead, the drab will be the by-product of an endless parade of no-talent amateurs, their success fueled by the fickle web surfer who will forget about the performer right around the time someone uploads the next cute cat video to YouTube.

Yes, the internet behemoth will now be considered on the increasing irrelevant Billboard Hot 100 charts, when calculating the hits that Americans listen to the most.

Personally, I don’t quite get the whole YouTube as a music player thing, but I have tons of friends that use it to discover and reminisce about music. It’s big enough that it would be stupid not to use it as part of the Billboard data, even though the decision will most certainly reflect the god-awful taste in music that this country has.

It will also enable the global shitstorm of poor music to invade our country, making way for the next “Gangnam Style” ad infinite.

Do you want to know the first song that I thought of when the YouTube on Billboard story was announced? That stupid “Chocolate Rain” song. How long before the next radio voice with a Yamaha keyboard begins their ascension into Casey’s Top 40? Are we setting these amateurs up for even more airtime than they are worth, invading our screens with the obligatory One Hit Wonders specials when the next decade rolls around?

Straight Outta SNES

Because I cannot handle anymore Tay Zonday.

My kids know an impressive amount of Top 40 music, and there is real joy in listening to them sing along, mimicking emotion and pretending like they have a clue about romantic love. At the end of the day, I would rather they sing Taylor Swift over Rebecca Black. While one may be manufactured and simple, the other one is an egocentric offering that needs a firewall that prevents them from sharing their limited talents with a population that doesn’t know any better.

In years past, a few of them have gotten through nationally (Timmy T., anyone?) it will be nothing like the Chocolate Rain enema that will flush out every musical meme right on to Joel Whitburn’s wallpaper.

It’d be a goddamn outrage if anyone actually gave a shit about the Top 100 anymore.

Juicy Fruit

Check out this late night finds. A pair of hit singles from the 1910 Fruitgum Co. Who are these guys? One of the originators of bubblegum music, a genre from the late 60’s that focused on non-threatening pop music. It was a genre that was met with such disdain from my father that I never actually had any singles by these guys, the Ohio Express (“Yummy Yummy Yummy”), The Archies, or any other “group” that had a hit or two on the radio.
The 1910 Fruitgum Co had 3 top five hits and one top 40 hit that The Ramones covered (“Indian Giver”) before imploding thanks to label chokeholds. You see, Buddha Records-the band’s label-didn’t really want creativity. They wanted hits. And if you didn’t conform to their demands, then you were quickly replaced. See the awesome movie That Thing You Do! for more details.
Take a look at the first video for the band. This is the original line-up, a group of guys from Jersey who happened on to a record contract. The lead singer and keyboard player-Mark-was the last piece of the line-up and the youngest member of the band. More on that later. Notice how goofy the bass player is in the video. He’d become the first member to go. Now check out the dude playing the Fender Jaguar. He’s either really high, or he just doesn’t give a shit.

As you can see, 1910 Fruitgum Co. shows were only attended by two people at a time. Now here’s hit single number 3. The Talking Heads covered this one when they were first starting out.

Did you notice how every member of the band-aside from the lead singer, Mark-are no longer in the band? Keep in mind, this was merely a year after their first hit. The band was on the road performing when they went to do a radio interview. The DJ began asking about the new single, a song that the members had never even heard before. Except Mark. He followed Buddah record’s suggestion that he cut the vocals on a new track without the rest of the fellows. Then, as the band was touring, the label released the song to radio without telling the rest of the guys about what had happened! That’s what you call a “dick move” in the business. Naturally, the rest of the guys got pissed, split with the idea that they could do it on their own, leaving Mark to continue on with the 1910 Fruitgum Co. name and to work with a bunch of session players. Except the tambourine guy, he might have been Mark’s secret lover.
The best moment is when Mark says the secret of their success is because of the label promoters. When the host politely suggests that “talent” has something to do with it to-an obvious attempt at stroking the young musician-Mark stands his ground and firmly reiterates that the promoters at the record company are more important to a band than talent. You can see-in one short year-how the guy has turned from a scared young pop hopeful into a cynical and defeated old man. Before too long, Mark would also leave the band and enjoy a life of a piano salesman in New Jersey.