Hard to believe, but the record buying public was swindled
once again by viewing such an event as an important artistic endeavor, rather
than rightly hearing that Lick It Up
was anything more than par-for-the-course bullshit, this time featuring “newest”
member, guitarist Vinnie Vincent.
I’m already getting mad at the band again by writing
this, and I haven’t even gotten to the actual review of the record yet.
You see, Vincent had already contributed to their last
album, Creatures Of The Night, a
surprisingly decent effort that continued to feature original guitarist Ace
Frehley on the cover (and subsequent video for the lead-off single, “I Love It
Loud”) even when he was nowhere on the recording.
Vincent was hired to be a reliable songwriter and
contributor after Ace became disillusioned with the band’s nonsense, while the
remaining creative core of Gene Simmons and Paul Stanley refused to provide
Frehley’s replacement with any contract, naming him as an official member.
Now, you would think that such an arrangement would have
caused Vincent to balk at any additional work with Simmons and Stanley, but the
dumbass continued along with them, including a stint as a full-fledged
makeup-wearing member going by the name of “The Ankh Warrior.”
The makeup thing clearly wasn’t working for them any longer,
so Simmons and Stanley pressed on sans makeup, and they suckered Vincent into
working with them again for Lick It Up.
Here’s the thing, the idea of KISS doing a record without
their makeup was still a huge deal thirty years ago, even though they had
released an album entitled Unmasked
three years before Lick It Up. As fans
discovered, Unmasked was a ruse to
sell more records; none of the members actually ditched their makeup as the
title suggested.
Lick It Up was
different as KISS actually swindled MTV into giving them airtime for the big “reveal,”
although they let the second least popular VJ, JJ Jackson (Nina Blackwood was first
because they gave her the graveyard shift while “Triple J” got evenings) host
the event. Jackson did a good job of hyping the proceedings, but if you were
like me (yes, I watched it), the moment you saw the member’s true faces, you
screamed at the television screen for them to put it back on.
The members of KISS are not the most visually stunning
specimens in rock music.
Thirty years later, nobody gives a shit about what the
members of KISS look like, and all we have left is the recorded evidence of Lick It Up, 10 songs of frustratingly
mediocre arrangements and an endless parade of embarrassing sexuality that goes
beyond the norms of traditional rock and roll juvenilia.
The title track was everywhere, or at least it seemed.
Despite having MTV on board and placing the post-apocalyptic video which
featured thralls of women thrusting themselves at the makeup-free band members,
the actual single never made it into the Top 40 Billboard charts, leaving “Beth”
as the lone hit single (at that time) for these pathetic creatures of the
night.
Again, the 10 songs featured on Lick It Up were the direct result of Vinnie Vincent’s involvement
with the band, and while he fought tooth and nail to suggest that his
contributions were the reason for the band’s resurgence-adding to his
suggestion that he should become a full, card-carrying member of the band-there
is nothing on this album to warrant any amount of pride or credit.
If anything, Vinnie Vincent would have done better to hide
his involvement, telling anyone who feigned interest on his career that he was
a session player for Happy Days or
the tambourine player for Dan Hartman.
“Lick It Up” is essentially two chords and a suggestive
lyric, which doubles as a sexual innuendo for eating sperm and is remarkably
not even close to the most patently offensive article on the album.
For that, you have to (once again) rely on Gene Simmons, who
pens an ode to anal sex (“Fits Like A Glove”) as well as one to skull fucking (“Dance
All Over Your Face”). Simmons dwells on the opposite sex and the act of
intercourse with such a notable amount of disdain that you wonder if all of his
conquests were mentally challenged enough to legally consent.
And after viewing his face on the cover, you also tend to
wonder if he was still “masked” for the acts themselves.
All of this sounds like sour grapes, I realize, but when you
hear Lick It Up you immediately
ponder “What’s the big deal?” and “Why was this even notable?” These are the
musical equivalents of conversations in the locker room after 8th
grade football practice or the musings of some schmuck who has never seen the
female form outside of his dad’s Playboy collection. To understand that this
was the work of men past the age of 30 is an embarrassment, and the lack of
creative musicality on Lick It Up is
a slight to the rock and roll genre.
Ironically, Paul Stanley later nailed it on when he declared
that Lick It Up was a sub-par effort,
one in which fans purchased it because “people were listening with their eyes
and not their ears.” Had they been using both of their senses, it be should
have been clear that KISS were a very ugly band with very ugly intentions.
You might be thinking to yourself at this point, "They couldn't possibly release anything more mediocre or sexually retarded than Lick ItUp could they?" But yes, they were far from the bottom of the barrel at this point. The hugely successful Animalize, Asylum, Crazy Nights & Hot In The Shade were soon to follow.
ReplyDeleteI should note that I don't have any star files for below 1 star. I'm thinking about Animalize next-because there is a personal history in the same sense of Lick It Up. The others that you've mentioned, I'm scared. For real. Lick It Up was far worse than I remembered it.
ReplyDeleteAs bad as you think each 80's release is, they get progressively worse all the way up to Revenge. This groundbreaking series could potentially grind to a halt or be put on hiatus after you spin Asylum.
ReplyDeleteKiss fans are the very definition of "listening with their eyes and not their ears." Ugh.
ReplyDeleteA wise man once said: It ain't a crime to be good to yourself.
ReplyDelete